You learn a lot during pregnancy. You learn responsibility, self-sacrafice, money management, more about the reproductive system, and more about yourself. Sometimes you learn good things - like how creative you can be in the kitchen when white meat makes you want to run for cover - and sometimes you learn ugly things. Things about yourself you may not have realized until eating lunch with a friend and actually listening to yourself talk.
Vain is defined as having or showing undue or excessive pride in one's appearance or achievements: conceited. While I don't think I am a conceited person, I have discovered I am certainly vain, shallow, and any other unattractive adjective we can use to describe someone who is focusing on all the wrong points of pregnancy.
Depending on who you ask I am or am not showing. In my mind, I am huge. When I look in the mirror, I see a waist-less person so is barely fitting into her pants. If you ask my friend, Gina, I look the same as I did before all of this, and if you ask my husband - I look great. I wish I could agree because what I see is taking away from the joy and excitement that is supposed to come with the miracle of life. They don't tell you this stuff at the doctor's office, BabyFit.com, or whattoExpect.come. Obviously they focus on the positives, making constipation seem like a blessing more than a pain in the ass (pun intended). No one tells you that after meals, you will feel a little too full and that it will take, seemingly, forever to digest. No one describes your growing baby as a brick-feeling just above your bladder or that your limbs may feel heavy and achey for no apparent reason.
Because I am a horrible person, this is what I recognize and find myself focusing on more than anything else. Maybe because I am not technically "out" and still find myself talking in "ifs" rather that "whens". Maybe it is because I am not showing more than a pooch one might have after too many days of too many donuts (or the tummy you get after freshman year of college when you can drink beer and not have to worry about parents getting mad). For these reasons, I am not as excited as I should be and, to be honest, I like being excited. I miss it.
For this reason I find the addage "everyone is different" to be incredibly true in pregnancy. Trust me, I have googled symptoms, what to expect, and what to look for but they are still only average expectionations because everyone is different . I have enough mom's in my life to tell me what is normal and what is not, how I will look, and how I should feel, but they an say what they want because everyone is different. And because everyone is different - because I am different - it makes pregnancy very lonely.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
First Trimester is not hot
Today I am unofficially 9 weeks and 4 days along. I know this blog was started as a tribute to infertility and the IVF process, but since I am bored at work I thought I would add this post despite, more or less, being on track as a normal pregnant person.
To date, I am having a very hard time embracing everything that comes with one's first trimester of pregnancy. In the long and short of it: I hate it.
I know there is a mircale brewing inside me. I know I worked very hard - physically, financially, emotionally, etc to get here. I know I should be grateful (and I am), but the bloating, the gas, the fatigue, the nausea, the lethargy is not my thing at all.
I wake up in the morning somewhere between starving, nauseas, and bloated. I have tried eating bigger breakfasts to satisfy me longer into the day, but its still trial and error with how my body is going to react to it. Sometimes its a win and I can go on with my day, others its a loss and I stare blankly into my closet wishing I could wear sweat pants to work. I don't know if I am necessarily showing, but my mind section is definitely doing something unflattering and atrocious. I feel like there is a brick in my stomach most of the day and when I don't feel the brick, I feel inexplicable, insatiasble hunger.
Over the weekend I was given tips from my recently pregnant and currently pregnant family members about how the 2nd trimester is heavenly in comparison to the first. I find that this kind of advice is great, but it always goes back to the "everybody's different" arguement. I'm sure some women (a certain Duggard comes to mind) bask in this sort of stuff. The beauty of weight gain, the ability to eat a little more freely, and the joy that comes with knowing you are with child. I'm not going to lie - me - not so much. The sweating, the peeing, the constant fat-feeling just isn't really doing it for me.
If the 2nd trimester is suppsosed to bring positive changes, then bring it on!
To date, I am having a very hard time embracing everything that comes with one's first trimester of pregnancy. In the long and short of it: I hate it.
I know there is a mircale brewing inside me. I know I worked very hard - physically, financially, emotionally, etc to get here. I know I should be grateful (and I am), but the bloating, the gas, the fatigue, the nausea, the lethargy is not my thing at all.
I wake up in the morning somewhere between starving, nauseas, and bloated. I have tried eating bigger breakfasts to satisfy me longer into the day, but its still trial and error with how my body is going to react to it. Sometimes its a win and I can go on with my day, others its a loss and I stare blankly into my closet wishing I could wear sweat pants to work. I don't know if I am necessarily showing, but my mind section is definitely doing something unflattering and atrocious. I feel like there is a brick in my stomach most of the day and when I don't feel the brick, I feel inexplicable, insatiasble hunger.
Over the weekend I was given tips from my recently pregnant and currently pregnant family members about how the 2nd trimester is heavenly in comparison to the first. I find that this kind of advice is great, but it always goes back to the "everybody's different" arguement. I'm sure some women (a certain Duggard comes to mind) bask in this sort of stuff. The beauty of weight gain, the ability to eat a little more freely, and the joy that comes with knowing you are with child. I'm not going to lie - me - not so much. The sweating, the peeing, the constant fat-feeling just isn't really doing it for me.
If the 2nd trimester is suppsosed to bring positive changes, then bring it on!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A Celebration for my Butt!
After nearly 9 weeks (72 days) of some sort of injection or another, I am finally done with shots!! Yay!!!
The Lupron from way back when was actually the most "enjoyable" of the group as it was the smallest needle, the least amount of medication, and the most accessible area for shots. The Progesterone shots in the rear proved to be the most ruthless as they were in my muscles, caused bruising, and were something I couldn't do on my own. I guess DJ and I will have to find a new after dinner ritual that doesn't include him poking my butt cheeks and asking "what about here? does this hurt?" and then stabbing me.
As mentioned in an earlier post, there was the option of taking the Progesterone vaginally but, of course, since it is more comfortable it is also more expensive. Unlike the injections, insurance chose not to cover this medication and it would have been over $300 a series. With 4 weeks down, whats another 28 days?
In hindsight (get it! hehehe) I guess it could have been worse. I'm fortunate to have an excellent husband with a strong stomach and a steady hand!
I would also like to send two special Thank Yous:
1. to No-Eyes, Woof Woof, and Sleeping Baby - three of my childhood stuffed animals that allowed me to more or less strangle them each night as I prepared for the shots :)
and
2. to the wonderful staff at IRMS Clark/Livingston who welcomed me every visit, who let me look away during blood draws, who gave me pictures of developing Petrie, who answered all my questions, and who got me this far along in my pregnancy!
The Lupron from way back when was actually the most "enjoyable" of the group as it was the smallest needle, the least amount of medication, and the most accessible area for shots. The Progesterone shots in the rear proved to be the most ruthless as they were in my muscles, caused bruising, and were something I couldn't do on my own. I guess DJ and I will have to find a new after dinner ritual that doesn't include him poking my butt cheeks and asking "what about here? does this hurt?" and then stabbing me.
As mentioned in an earlier post, there was the option of taking the Progesterone vaginally but, of course, since it is more comfortable it is also more expensive. Unlike the injections, insurance chose not to cover this medication and it would have been over $300 a series. With 4 weeks down, whats another 28 days?
In hindsight (get it! hehehe) I guess it could have been worse. I'm fortunate to have an excellent husband with a strong stomach and a steady hand!
I would also like to send two special Thank Yous:
1. to No-Eyes, Woof Woof, and Sleeping Baby - three of my childhood stuffed animals that allowed me to more or less strangle them each night as I prepared for the shots :)
and
2. to the wonderful staff at IRMS Clark/Livingston who welcomed me every visit, who let me look away during blood draws, who gave me pictures of developing Petrie, who answered all my questions, and who got me this far along in my pregnancy!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Ode to Morning Sickness
Whoever named this crap is full of just lies
because it comes on all day,
not just at sunrise
It starts in the stomach, icky and sour
and the feeling progresses
hour by hour.
Foods you once liked are now appalling
and at mealtimes
you find yourself stalling
since nothing looks good, nothing will settle
and since your current state's tolerable,
you'd rather not meddle.
You focus on ginger - root, chews, and ale
because at the site of chicken
your face just turns pale.
Saltines are a staple. Anything bland.
Plain oatmeal, plain Cheerios,
hell - you'd even take sand.
Your husband's supportive as he chows on pork
while you poke it and prod it
with the tongs of your fork.
If you're me, you don't puke. It's just the feeling
that any aroma
sends your stomach reeling.
How many dates 'til the trimester ends?
And then meat, yogurt, and I
can start being friends.
because it comes on all day,
not just at sunrise
It starts in the stomach, icky and sour
and the feeling progresses
hour by hour.
Foods you once liked are now appalling
and at mealtimes
you find yourself stalling
since nothing looks good, nothing will settle
and since your current state's tolerable,
you'd rather not meddle.
You focus on ginger - root, chews, and ale
because at the site of chicken
your face just turns pale.
Saltines are a staple. Anything bland.
Plain oatmeal, plain Cheerios,
hell - you'd even take sand.
Your husband's supportive as he chows on pork
while you poke it and prod it
with the tongs of your fork.
If you're me, you don't puke. It's just the feeling
that any aroma
sends your stomach reeling.
How many dates 'til the trimester ends?
And then meat, yogurt, and I
can start being friends.
A little scare
Yesterday morning Petire gave us a little scare. I woke up at 7:15 to pee and noticed blood on the toilet paper. It wasn't a lot and I wasn't in pain, but of course I went directly into panic mode. I have no personal experiences with miscarriages but from what I have learned in the movies (The Help and Revolutionary Road), blood is never a good sign.
In a voice somewhere between panic, hysterics, and assertiveness I woke up my husband and we sprung into action. Again the staff at IRMS came through in a pinch and put me in contact with the on call nurse. Although her voice had concern, she was 100% calmer than I was and told me we could head on over and meet with the doctor. Phew!
By 8:00 we were at St. Barnabas and by 8:20 I was perched on the paper laden table waiting to be seen. I don't remember the doctor's name, but it was the same woman that did my retrieval. Super nice, kind, and the beared of good news.
"Things look great in there!" she said as she played Petrie's heart beat.
"162 beats per minute" she told the nurse. "Very strong"
She wasn't exactly sure what caused the bleeding but the ultrasound showed no need for concern. She asked how I was doing on my medication and how the injections were coming. I guess they were coming along as well as nightly shots in the butt could go and I was delighted to learn this may be the last week of them. She told me to reduce the dose from 1 CC to 1/2 CC and I have to go back Tuesday morning for a follow up.
At 8 weeks webbed fingers and toes are poking out from Petrie's hands and feet, his/her eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his/her throat to the branches of his/her developing lungs, and his/her "tail" is just about gone. In Petrie's brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways.
On my end, I am exhausted and nap to a point of embarrassment. I pee and need a nap. I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and need a nap. I eat dinner and need a nap. Its a little pathetic. I am also starting to feel heavy and bloated. I'm having a hard time embracing that since I've always been someone who works to maintain her weight and be healthy that I am working very hard to get my head around enjoying weight gain.
After this week I move on from the wonderful ladies at IRMS to my new gyno. He came recommended by my regular gyno since she doesn't deliver babies although I would love if she made an exception. Like I said, at first I was hesitant to have doctors check things out up there, but after the HSG, my legs are an open book :) (medically speaking).
In a voice somewhere between panic, hysterics, and assertiveness I woke up my husband and we sprung into action. Again the staff at IRMS came through in a pinch and put me in contact with the on call nurse. Although her voice had concern, she was 100% calmer than I was and told me we could head on over and meet with the doctor. Phew!
By 8:00 we were at St. Barnabas and by 8:20 I was perched on the paper laden table waiting to be seen. I don't remember the doctor's name, but it was the same woman that did my retrieval. Super nice, kind, and the beared of good news.
"Things look great in there!" she said as she played Petrie's heart beat.
"162 beats per minute" she told the nurse. "Very strong"
She wasn't exactly sure what caused the bleeding but the ultrasound showed no need for concern. She asked how I was doing on my medication and how the injections were coming. I guess they were coming along as well as nightly shots in the butt could go and I was delighted to learn this may be the last week of them. She told me to reduce the dose from 1 CC to 1/2 CC and I have to go back Tuesday morning for a follow up.
At 8 weeks webbed fingers and toes are poking out from Petrie's hands and feet, his/her eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his/her throat to the branches of his/her developing lungs, and his/her "tail" is just about gone. In Petrie's brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways.
On my end, I am exhausted and nap to a point of embarrassment. I pee and need a nap. I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and need a nap. I eat dinner and need a nap. Its a little pathetic. I am also starting to feel heavy and bloated. I'm having a hard time embracing that since I've always been someone who works to maintain her weight and be healthy that I am working very hard to get my head around enjoying weight gain.
After this week I move on from the wonderful ladies at IRMS to my new gyno. He came recommended by my regular gyno since she doesn't deliver babies although I would love if she made an exception. Like I said, at first I was hesitant to have doctors check things out up there, but after the HSG, my legs are an open book :) (medically speaking).
Monday, March 19, 2012
A grand adventure is about to begin - Winne the Pooh
I have a little catching up to do. I went in to my appointment thinking Petrie was 5 weeks along but I learned I am actually 7 weeks pregnant as far as my due date is concerned. The reason for this you are actually "pregnant" before you are pregnant.
The Last Menstrual Period Method or LMP is the standard method. You add 28 days to day one of your last menstruation. If you remember from an earlier post, this was January 28th when I was in Boston and totally unprepared for a period. The 28th was also two weeks before my transfer, catching me up from 5 weeks to 7 weeks. For most women this measure is not as exact but I guess in my case since everything from preparation to conception was so scheduled, I'm on target.
Other pregnancy calculators at the Basal Body Temperature and Lutenizing Hormone (LH) measurement which checks on your basal body temperature or the surge of LH. It indicates the occurrence of ovulation, the time of intercourse, and the date of fertilization. If you are sure of your fertilization date, then you simply have to add 266 days to get your due date. I'm not exactly sure what this means but you are still adding in two weeks of wiggle room.
The Last Menstrual Period Method or LMP is the standard method. You add 28 days to day one of your last menstruation. If you remember from an earlier post, this was January 28th when I was in Boston and totally unprepared for a period. The 28th was also two weeks before my transfer, catching me up from 5 weeks to 7 weeks. For most women this measure is not as exact but I guess in my case since everything from preparation to conception was so scheduled, I'm on target.
Other pregnancy calculators at the Basal Body Temperature and Lutenizing Hormone (LH) measurement which checks on your basal body temperature or the surge of LH. It indicates the occurrence of ovulation, the time of intercourse, and the date of fertilization. If you are sure of your fertilization date, then you simply have to add 266 days to get your due date. I'm not exactly sure what this means but you are still adding in two weeks of wiggle room.
Further proof, of course, is my weekly ultrasound. This morning I heard Petrie's heart beat and saw a glimpse of his/her developing spine. Most of the growth is concentrated in the head as new brain cells are generated at the rate of 100 per minute. Petrie's mouth and tongue are forming as arm and leg buds sprout, and those little kidneys are getting ready to do their job. Here is a little cartoon picture of what Petrie looks like - http://3dpregnancy.parentsconnect.com/calendar/7-weeks-pregnant.html. I think it looks like a lizard of sorts.
According to all my pregnant or once pregnant friends, I should be experiencing morning sickness, food aversion, cravings, breast tenderness, etc. but for the most part I am still very much the same. I did sleep 60% of Sunday (which was awesome and pathetic at the same time) but other than being tired, I feel good. If I wasn't being told I was pregnant every Monday, I would just think I wasn't sleeping well at night.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Heart Beat!
This morning I went in for my weekly blood work and ultrasound. As we start Week 5 of pregnancy, Petrie has a heart beat. Using "doppler radar", the nurse showed me how it can detect movement in the uterus and highlighted the heart so I could see it flashing. It was super neat.
This is the week most women discover they are pregnant - whether it be a missed period, the earliest of pregnancy symptoms, or a positive pregnancy test. For me, it was coming home with Petrie's third picture.
Here is what's going on inside: At 4 weeks pregnant, the blastocyst (or ball of cells that will become your baby) is working furiously to implant itself in the uterine lining. This will ensure a safe home for your little one over the next nine months. The amniotic cavity and placenta are also forming during pregnancy week four. Fetal development by and large is still in the earliest stages at this point.
Your baby is incredibly miniscule, about .014 to .04 inches long (somewhere between the size of a poppy seed and an organge seed). Over the next few weeks, your baby will slowly start resembling a small tadpole with eyes, rather than an egg. This early stage of pregnancy is often noted as the beginning of the embryonic period.
This is the week most women discover they are pregnant - whether it be a missed period, the earliest of pregnancy symptoms, or a positive pregnancy test. For me, it was coming home with Petrie's third picture.
Here is what's going on inside: At 4 weeks pregnant, the blastocyst (or ball of cells that will become your baby) is working furiously to implant itself in the uterine lining. This will ensure a safe home for your little one over the next nine months. The amniotic cavity and placenta are also forming during pregnancy week four. Fetal development by and large is still in the earliest stages at this point.
Your baby is incredibly miniscule, about .014 to .04 inches long (somewhere between the size of a poppy seed and an organge seed). Over the next few weeks, your baby will slowly start resembling a small tadpole with eyes, rather than an egg. This early stage of pregnancy is often noted as the beginning of the embryonic period.
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