Thursday, December 11, 2014

Counting my Blessings

This post should have been written on November 20th but I wasn't emotionally prepared at that time.

I am not pregnant. 

On the afternoon of November 20th, I got a call from Dr. K. informing me that my pregnancy test from that morning was negative. In my heart of hearts, I think I knew before this call that I wasn't pregnant but of course you are going to be optimistic. At the low, low price of $4500, why wouldn't you be. 

Since all my other frozen embryos did not survive the "defrost" (I am sure there is a more technical name for it) - we are now back at square one. 

Kind of. 

If this call came back in February 2012 - we would be back at square one. 
If I had not had a successful pregnancy - we would be back at square one. 
If I had not given birth to a fabulous baby boy in October 2012 - we would be back at square one
And if that baby boy had not been readily available for millions of hugs and kisses after I hung up the phone - we would be back at square one. 

Austin didn't know it but he saved the day. He was a symbol of success, blessings, and all that is wonderful about motherhood. He was there for kisses, for hugs, and promise that is process does work even if it didn't this time. 

Are there any next steps? Of course there are but they will be taken slowly and with great thought. Like I did on the "worst day", I allowed myself an afternoon to wallow but with a toddler, it was much more productive. Since the 20th, I have had time to reflect and research and on December 18th I will meet again with Dr. K. to see what options are out there without having to do IVF again. 

As I mentioned several weeks ago, if the powers that be only want one child for me - then I thank those powers a million times over for making it Austin.