Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ugly Truth

You learn a lot during pregnancy. You learn responsibility, self-sacrafice, money management, more about the reproductive system, and more about yourself. Sometimes you learn good things - like how creative you can be in the kitchen when white meat makes you want to run for cover - and sometimes you learn ugly things. Things about yourself you may not have realized until eating lunch with a friend and actually listening to yourself talk.

Vain is defined as having or showing undue or excessive pride in one's appearance or achievements: conceited. While I don't think I am a conceited person, I have discovered I am certainly vain, shallow, and any other unattractive adjective we can use to describe someone who is focusing on all the wrong points of pregnancy.

Depending on who you ask I am or am not showing. In my mind, I am huge. When I look in the mirror, I see a waist-less person so is barely fitting into her pants. If you ask my friend, Gina, I look the same as I did before all of this, and if you ask my husband - I look great. I wish I could agree because what I see is taking away from the joy and excitement that is supposed to come with the miracle of life. They don't tell you this stuff at the doctor's office, BabyFit.com, or whattoExpect.come. Obviously they focus on the positives, making constipation seem like a blessing more than a pain in the ass (pun intended). No one tells you that after meals, you will feel a little too full and that it will take, seemingly, forever to digest. No one describes your growing baby as a brick-feeling just above your bladder or that your limbs may feel heavy and achey for no apparent reason.

Because I am a horrible person, this is what I recognize and find myself focusing on more than anything else. Maybe because I am not technically "out" and still find myself talking in "ifs" rather that "whens". Maybe it is because I am not showing more than a pooch one might have after too many days of too many donuts (or the tummy you get after freshman year of college when you can drink beer and not have to worry about parents getting mad). For these reasons, I am not as excited as I should be and, to be honest, I like being excited. I miss it.

For this reason I find the addage "everyone is different" to be incredibly true in pregnancy. Trust me, I have googled symptoms, what to expect, and what to look for but they are still only average expectionations because everyone is different . I have enough mom's in my life to tell me what is normal and what is not, how I will look, and how I should feel, but they an say what they want because everyone is different. And because everyone is different - because I am different - it makes pregnancy very lonely.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

First Trimester is not hot

Today I am unofficially 9 weeks and 4 days along. I know this blog was started as a tribute to infertility and the IVF process, but since I am bored at work I thought I would add this post despite, more or less, being on track as a normal pregnant person.

To date, I am having a very hard time embracing everything that comes with one's first trimester of pregnancy. In the long and short of it: I hate it.
I know there is a mircale brewing inside me. I know I worked very hard - physically, financially, emotionally, etc to get here. I know I should be grateful (and I am), but the bloating, the gas, the fatigue, the nausea, the lethargy is not my thing at all.

I wake up in the morning somewhere between starving, nauseas, and bloated. I have tried eating bigger breakfasts to satisfy me longer into the day, but its still trial and error with how my body is going to react to it. Sometimes its a win and I can go on with my day, others its a loss and I stare blankly into my closet wishing I could wear sweat pants to work. I don't know if I am necessarily showing, but my mind section is definitely doing something unflattering and atrocious. I feel like there is a brick in my stomach most of the day and when I don't feel the brick, I feel inexplicable, insatiasble hunger.

Over the weekend I was given tips from my recently pregnant and currently pregnant family members about how the 2nd trimester is heavenly in comparison to the first. I find that this kind of advice is great, but it always goes back to the "everybody's different" arguement. I'm sure some women (a certain Duggard comes to mind) bask in this sort of stuff. The beauty of weight gain, the ability to eat a little more freely, and the joy that comes with knowing you are with child. I'm not going to lie - me - not so much. The sweating, the peeing, the constant fat-feeling just isn't really doing it for me.

If the 2nd trimester is suppsosed to bring positive changes, then bring it on!