Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ugly Truth

You learn a lot during pregnancy. You learn responsibility, self-sacrafice, money management, more about the reproductive system, and more about yourself. Sometimes you learn good things - like how creative you can be in the kitchen when white meat makes you want to run for cover - and sometimes you learn ugly things. Things about yourself you may not have realized until eating lunch with a friend and actually listening to yourself talk.

Vain is defined as having or showing undue or excessive pride in one's appearance or achievements: conceited. While I don't think I am a conceited person, I have discovered I am certainly vain, shallow, and any other unattractive adjective we can use to describe someone who is focusing on all the wrong points of pregnancy.

Depending on who you ask I am or am not showing. In my mind, I am huge. When I look in the mirror, I see a waist-less person so is barely fitting into her pants. If you ask my friend, Gina, I look the same as I did before all of this, and if you ask my husband - I look great. I wish I could agree because what I see is taking away from the joy and excitement that is supposed to come with the miracle of life. They don't tell you this stuff at the doctor's office, BabyFit.com, or whattoExpect.come. Obviously they focus on the positives, making constipation seem like a blessing more than a pain in the ass (pun intended). No one tells you that after meals, you will feel a little too full and that it will take, seemingly, forever to digest. No one describes your growing baby as a brick-feeling just above your bladder or that your limbs may feel heavy and achey for no apparent reason.

Because I am a horrible person, this is what I recognize and find myself focusing on more than anything else. Maybe because I am not technically "out" and still find myself talking in "ifs" rather that "whens". Maybe it is because I am not showing more than a pooch one might have after too many days of too many donuts (or the tummy you get after freshman year of college when you can drink beer and not have to worry about parents getting mad). For these reasons, I am not as excited as I should be and, to be honest, I like being excited. I miss it.

For this reason I find the addage "everyone is different" to be incredibly true in pregnancy. Trust me, I have googled symptoms, what to expect, and what to look for but they are still only average expectionations because everyone is different . I have enough mom's in my life to tell me what is normal and what is not, how I will look, and how I should feel, but they an say what they want because everyone is different. And because everyone is different - because I am different - it makes pregnancy very lonely.