Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Getting Inked

Today was my hysterosalpingogram, but for the purpose of this post and spelling errors, we are going to call it the HSG.

As per WebMD, this test looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant. During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus.  Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes.

As you can see this is a very sexy procedure and one, if you're lucky, your dad can take you too because your mom and husband are busy. Now I love my dad to pieces but there is something uncool and awkward (even at 28) when it comes to periods, ovaries, and dads.

So my appointment was at 8am but we are "encouraged" to be there an hour early. If you know my dad, this means 90 minutes early, so my day started at 5:45am. The night before I stayed at my parents but in my stressed out haste I left my overnight bag in front of my door at home. Needless to say, I arrived empty handed to my parents. Although I have some clothes there (pajamas and clean undies) and a spare toothbrush, I found myself arriving to the hospital dressed like a trashy college kid. The thermal shirt I was wearing hat lost a button at the collar making it slightly scandalous forcing me to wear my jacket all day. I'm also pretty sure there were stains on my sweatpants because they were intended for sleep-only and not a day in the hospital.

Anyway, I digress. Since no one is really going anywhere that early, we got there crazy on time, brushed through admissions, and then waited. And waited. There was a news story about a girl that walked into a plane propeller which was very interesting. She was on a private jet looking at Christmas lights and just walked into it after they landed. It may be feel better about my day. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/fashion-editor-walks-propeller-survives-15094324?tab=9482931&section=4765066

At 8:13am, I am called and asked "when was your last period?"
"July 2011"
"Oh so you're pregnant, we can't do the test"
"No, I'm not. That's why I'm here"
"Did you take a pregnancy test?"
"No, I was just told on November 29th I wasn't pregnant"
"You need to go down to the lab for blood work and we'll do the exam after"
WHAT! I flipped out, slammed the dressing room door shut since I'm so mature and emotionally unstable, and cried in the bathroom - because why not.

To the lab I go for a blood test to find out I am still not pregnant BUT I have to wait an hour for them to tell me this. Now its 9:45ish. My phlebotomist was very nice and told me I was beautiful. I love him.

I finally get the procedure started. They go in with the duck thingies and poke around, checking on my cervix and other lady parts. It's a male doctor which was less weird than I thought. All my other gynie encounters have been women.
Once I am checked out, they insert a catheter into my chachki and in goes a blue dye. It feels like I am getting punched in the uterus from the inside out. Think of the worst cramps you've ever had, then multiply them by 10. The good news is, its only for about a minute and a half.
What was nice about this visit was I left with answers. Unlike the rest of my procedures that end with, "we'll have the doctor call you", I left knowing BOTH of my Fallopian tubes were open and pumped up for eggs.

Thank goodness!!