Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Build Ford Tough

Yesterday was a bad day.
Doctor appointment days are usually bad because they bring back to life the reality of what is happening.

We met with Dr. K in the morning and she assured me that everything was as she expected and the communication between my brain and ovaries is "sleeping" and we just have to go in and wake it up. Its really the statistics that are difficult to swallow, especially when you are shelling out so much money to make it all work.

Couples, in general, have a 25% chance of getting pregnant. This includes all of you out there with normal reproductive systems. There are also a large number of women that are "pregnant" but never know because the fertilized cells don't reproduce effectively enough for it to be noticed.
I have about a 55-60% chance of getting pregnant since I am getting the fertilized egg directly placed inside the uterus. This, more or less, takes out the timing and guess work other couples have.
From this number, depending on where you look - 30% to 70% of fertilized eggs do not make it to the third trimester. Now, that's a pretty huge gap so take that one with a grain of salt. I couldn't find a very accurate statistic online.
All of this said, these numbers are not as high as any of us would like them to be. When taking a gamble or placing a bet, you want 70, 80, and 90% in your favor but c'est la vie.

December 29th we are going to Ireland so when I return on January 5th, I will go on birth control (oh the irony) to figure out what my cycle is and regulate my period. It seems as though i will be on the pill from 2 to 4 weeks.
From there, DJ and I are taking a class so he can learn how to give me shots in my butt. The class is with 7 other couples so I hope everyone in the room has a sense of humor because if not, this could be awkward. I just got off the phone with my doctor and it looks like it will be 12 days of shots, but I  have to go back in for blood work every other day or so to be monitored.
Once the shots begin, my ovaries (which are normally the sized of apricots) will swell to the size of oranges as they are stimulated to produce eggs for transfer.

Without getting too ahead of myself, I will end this here until I have more information.

But the bad day came after my appointment when you have to update those in your life and they give you this look. They mean it to be supportive and considerate, but it really just makes me feel like I'm broken. Its the look someone give you when you tell them you put your dog down - not as sympathetic and devastated as the loss of a grandparent, but enough to where it says "aww gee, that's too bad".

The truth is -this all sucks!It sucks to be unable to do something that's supposed to come so naturally.  It sucks to be told you can't do the one thing that relieves your stress and run, but all you are is stressed. It sucks to travel for work and have to figure out what to do with syringes when you travel. It sucks to think you are doing everything right in life and then you get blinded sided with this.

BUT what doesn't suck is my family who let me have a break down (more like has a psychotic episode) in the kitchen yesterday and then came in and pick me back up or my friend, who, despite my sad and pathetic text to cancel, convinced me to get my shit together and meet her for dinner. Thank you, Gina!
Like those smoking commercials, they help make this all suck less :)

I also got a groupon for yoga so I went ahead and got it. I figured if I paid for it, I have the incentive to go. Its Bikram yoga so I will probably just sweat out my chi and feel better about life.